You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
