Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize