from now on my penis is your penis
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize