Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize