I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize