when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
