Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
