my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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