if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize