I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
