When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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