We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
