You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
