I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
