Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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