oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
