He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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