Whatcha textin bout Willis?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
