were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
