The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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