Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
