I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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