She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
