we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
