3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish my penis had an off switch
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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