I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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