I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
