grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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