I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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