I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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