All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
