i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
