Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Floor bacon is actually really good
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
