She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
