I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
