i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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