I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
