He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
