Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
