Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
