If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize