I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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