My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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