I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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