I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
