ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im six kinds of drunk right now
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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