I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
