I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
