i think my tv is drunk
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
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