She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You took a bar mat shot.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
