I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's not a walk of shame if you run
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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