i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
