His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize