I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
