broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
