i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
