i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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