im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
