He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My life is pants optional.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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